Media outlets all over the world have been tracking a global phenomenon known as the Coronavirus. (See p. 2) This is a deadly virus that originated in China and has been spreading like wildfire all over the world. Though we hear all about the virus and its symptoms and all of the things that have been getting shut down as a result of its spreading, we have heard very little about the actual causation of said virus.
Well we here at the Scallion are here to give you the complete, total, uncensored truth. The harsh reality of the Coronavirus’s origins is that it came from a bunch of weirdos who like to eat bats. Thanks to their bizarre culinary habits, an event known as the Mobile World Congress has had to be cancelled. Now the world is going to have to wait longer for cool new phones. Damn!
But of course that’s not the only problem. There’s also the health issue. World famous scientists have been scrambling to find effective vaccines for the Coronavirus, so far without success.
But now the Scallion can report that students at WCC have bypassed the need for a vaccine and have discovered a cure.
As it turns out, the cure for the disease was in the name of the virus itself all along and everyone has been too stupid to figure it out. Drinking the cold refreshing brewski known as Corona beer will eliminate all symptoms and cure anyone unlucky enough to be infected.
But that’s not all. Coronas can also be preventative. Student-scientists from WCC are now recommending that everyone drink at least 3 Coronas daily to prevent infection. Governments have been quick to respond. The courts have put a temporary hold on all DUI charges because of the new defense the lawyers have come up with: “All my client was trying to do was drink Coronas to stay healthy.”
Courts are now rewarding all those who blow a .8 BAC (Blood Alcohol Content) for attempting to stay healthy and some are even offering rewards of $100. Now instead of handing out tickets, police officers are handing out Coronas to those whom they pull over for erratic driving, all to keep America healthy so that Coronavirus will be a thing of the past.
WCC students are understandably proud. “Hey, we could get the Nobel Prize in Medicine for this,” said one STEM student with a Corona in each hand. “Yeah,” said another, studying the pale amber color of his brew, ”It’s like a new Golden Age!”