by Ralph Fartzenbedd
Recently on college campuses the subject of climate change has occurred quite frequently in conversations. While we all know that some people think climate change has about as much credibility as Bill Clinton’s testimony about his relations with a certain intern, there is one part of the climate debate that is noteworthy: deforestation. Now deforestation is the cutting down of trees without replanting new ones. The subject of deforestation and its devastating effects on rednecks and nature alike is quite the hot topic. Not only are the tree huggers pissed, but so are the squirrels and birds.
But one little talked about side effect is the effect all this tree-cutting has on our oxygen supply. Turns out trees are essential to making the oxygen we breathe. (Figures we’re taking them down in favor of more Starbucks and more shopping malls, right?) But that’s not all. Studies have shown that the decreased oxygen in our atmosphere has had a major effect on the population’s cognitive abilities and performance—in other words, how smart we are.
These studies—in true Scallion fashion, they are from unnamed sources— have shown that since the 1960’s IQs have been dropping 10 points every 10 years in metropolitan areas. Why there? Because that’s where more and more houses, shopping areas, and yes, Starbucks are being built. Goodbye elms, oaks, and poplars; hello lattes and cloud macchiatos. One study showed that the average IQ in the year 1960 was about 40 POINTS HIGHER THAN IN 2020! This means that the populace is dumber than ever before.
Sadly, your Scallion reporter finds this to be true. The evidence is everywhere. One symptom is the large followings of dumb Instagram “influencers” who sell their bath water and somehow make a large profit. Another sign is the current obsession with “Cardi B” and the sound of her dumb repetitive music that can be constantly heard being blasted into youthful ears. And then there’s the White House press conferences. All of these signs are overwhelming evidence that the air in New York, D.C., L.A., and other metropolitan areas does not contain enough oxygen and is negatively impacting the population and their cognitive abilities.
We here at the Viking News have concluded that deforestation is a conspiracy by the elite (who live in nice suburban houses surrounded by forests) to try to dumb down the rest of us by taking away even more trees (and thus our oxygen) so that we are even more gullible to their lies and do not feel well enough (or smart enough) to question the status quo. We call it the Scallion Conspiracy.
Now as it happens, we have learned that WCC’s own beloved Native Plant Center recently cut down 150 trees on campus. (Who said so? This is The Scallion, so none of your beezwax.) The reason? Because they wanted to replace them with native trees. So now there are 150 fewer full grown foreign trees on campus and 150 patriotic baby trees who are gonna take 10 years to replace their Commie cousins.
Are we going to stand for this? We say no! The next time you get a D on a paper, tell the prof you couldn’t help it—blame it on deforestation. And next time you see a tree being cut down, stage a protest! Fight the deforesters! Tell them to leave those noble creatures alone (at least until after finals).
There is one exception. Sometimes God sends a storm that knocks down a few trees. Don’t try and protest that. The real estate guys who want to clear the land, the builders, the lawn contractors are one thing, but God is another. We don’t want to mess with Her.