The Bullet

by The Purple Tulip

Green was your favorite color,

I can’t remember why.

I can’t remember the shade of green either.

Every single weekend, I looked forward to coming over.

I would always call you my favorite uncle

You would call me your favorite niece.

Then you’d give me a loving hug.

Always smiles whenever we were together.

You’d let me sit in your car and we would talk.

You’d let me play in your hair and you’d make fun of my teeth. 

I’d make fun of your weird index finger that would bend.

I remember Friday nights,

 we’d pick you and grandpa up and you’d give us a box of pizza

Your hugs were amazing,

 you’d pick me up, put me on your shoulders and we’d go around the block.

I used to LOVE sleeping next to you,

You thought I slept terribly cause my feet were everywhere.

Waking up to your “good morning” and watch you play on your xbox.

You were never really problematic,

We had never fallen off or distanced ourselves from each other

You were my definition of a health male relationship.

On June 4th, 2011, 

You cursed at me and then told me you loved me

Four hours later, the phone rings

I heard screams. 

Pots clattering 

My heart was racing.

I was convinced that it was my father, come to find out it was you.

One bullet to the head and you were gone. 

It took me a few minutes to process what was going on,

Then once I realized that you were gone,

The pain I felt was indescribable.

I couldn’t eat for days,

My sleeping pattern fell off, 

My body had been in shock.

I walked into the house and there were so many people.

The community loved you.

I never knew how many people knew you.

They all paid their respects.

Your loss took a toll on Grammy, Moses and Myself the most.

Not many people realized how attached I was to you.

I wish I had said  the word “I Love You” more.

I’m sure you already knew that I loved you.

You were the definition of the man I wanted in my life,

I wish you were here to see the things I’ve accomplished.

I look out the window almost every night 

and I talk to myself hoping that you could hear me and respond.

I watched them take your cadaver pouch away.

I didn’t get to see your corpse for 14 days. 

I begged, pleaded, I just wanted to see your body,

No one would let me

They thought I was too young to see you.

They didn’t know how much I needed to see you. 

Instead, they let me see your body cold,

The bullet wound patched up

You were cold.

All I needed was 3 minutes alongside your corpse alone.

I didn’t get that chance.

I slept on your pillow for WEEKS.

 I smelled your clothes everyday.

I touched your car, 

I’d sit inside and just stay silent.

I’d put on your favorite cap.

It was becoming a habitual pattern for me.

Fast forward 2922 days,

I moved countries, 

I went to college,

And I kept my promise.

I still think about that bullet.

I wonder what life would’ve been like if you were still here.

I can feel you

Your frequency is low and my soul longs for another hug.

I just want to hear your voice one more time. 

I want to play in your hair and tell you about the last 2922 days without you.

I want to tell you about the times I’ve tried to end my life.

The times when life was so tough without you and I couldn’t confide in anyone else.

To tell you my fears of loving another soul,

because they might be taken away from me.

I wanted you to teach me how to drive. 

I wanted you to take pictures with me at prom,

I wanted you to watch me cross the stage.

I wanted you to give me relationship advice.

The things I wanted seem meaningless now.

If we could, I’d want us to hop inside of your car and go for a drive.

I want to hear about everything you’ve been through ever since leaving this earth.

And I’d request one of your loving hugs.

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