Slacker Student Still Holding Out For Passing Grade

The end of the semester is finally here, and while some students are watching the clock ready to finally have an actual sleep schedule, others are very content being on campus, despite the fact that their GPA’s are about to get wrecked.

Take for instance the case of Keith Mariano. He’s a full time student, taking four classes currently, convinced that he will graduate in two years, and holding a steady 56 percent in all his classes.

“My grades haven’t been this good since nap time was a course, but I can still nap pretty damn hard in class,” said Mariano. “Best nap I ever took was in my history class!”

Currently Mariano is a student who is undeclared by terms of major, but long term Mariano aspires to become a stunt double, professional mozzarella taste tester or, as his peers in high school envisioned in their yearbook, “most likely to start a cult.”

“My professors were really harping on me to get my act together a couple of weeks ago, but they’ve stopped pestering me about my work,” said the just below average in every aspect human being. “That can only mean that my grades are doing good, right?”

No Kieth. You’re professors have given up on you. Just as you have given up on your daily hygiene practices.

The only professor willing to talk about Mariano’s performance was Dr. Vivian Rumshuttle, who teaches biology. According to Rumshuttle, students like Mariano provide the most amount of migraines in a year and serve as the best story material when complaining to spouses, family, and friends as to why they nearly quit their job each day.

“I told Kieth to drop my class five weeks into the semester after he declared that women don’t poop,” said Rumshuttle. “He legitimately believes women don’t have the same body functions as men. He isn’t prepared for the truth.”

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