Campus Democrats, Republicans Now Just One Guy Quietly Eating Saltines

What began as an ambitious attempt for politically conscious students to engage with one another and support their preferred political party has reportedly diminished into what is now just one guy sitting alone in a quiet room eating saltine crackers by himself.

Michael Jenkins, who joined the Campus Republicans in an attempt to befriend like-minded individuals, is the last remaining member of the two relatively new organizations. He now enters each meeting at the scheduled time, and sits by himself in the designated classroom, where he reportedly starts to feel “kinda snacky.”

“I mean nobody really seems to be too interested in coming to the meetings so it’s pretty much just me,” Jenkins said in an exclusive interview with The Viking News. “I kinda like saltines, because they don’t pretend to be anything other than what they are, you know what I mean?”

Jenkins can be spotted once a week, a lone figure occupying one in a comically large circle of empty chairs. Gently peeling open a saltine package he slowly lifts crackers one-by-one into his mouth; his face a blank, expressionless void. He seems to be vaguely contemplating why he is there, why any of us are here at all. He remembers the 2016 election. That was the last time he can remember feeling anything at all. A lone tear rolls down the side of his face. He wipes it away. He reaches for another saltine but the package is empty. Lifting his Fullmetal Alchemist bag off the ground and putting on his Make America Great Again Hat, Michael Jenkins heads home.

The Campus Republicans were once known for their gut-wrenchingly funny recruitment flyers including one that was just a photo of Mr. Bean smiling, while the Campus Democrats were not known by anyone at all.

With the larger WCC community seemingly wholly unaware of the existence of the two-in-one club, we attempted to assist the dwindling groups in their recruitment process.

“I would consider it but I just can’t see myself getting into politics on campus” said Joe Johnson when asked about joining either of the clubs. “Maybe next semester, if I have time.”

Back at home Michael Jenkins begins to weep.

Both clubs are reportedly working on increasing their outreach in the near future. The Campus Republicans are reportedly planning on winning people over by being loud, rude, and obnoxious, while Campus Democrats are planning on being offended about it.

Campus Republicans and Democrats can be seen at every involvement fair, where they hope to soon recruit enough politically involved students to hold events such as debates and engage with the larger student body about their political views. Interested students can find their information with the Department of Student Involvement.

Michael Jenkins lays awake in bed. He wants to cry. He is too profoundly sad to cry. Maybe sad is not the right word. He’s empty. He is a void. He might as well be nothing. He binge eats to have something to do rather than just be alone with himself. Michael Jenkins falls asleep.

Leave a Reply