SGA Fails Strategic Coup to Be Rid of Current SGA President

by Tom Foolery

Silent auction is super awkward. (Photo: Tom Foolery)

The Student Government Association (SGA) held its first and final annual silent auction last week to raise funds for the cause of doing really good things with minimal effort.

“This stuff will make a fair amount of money, and whatever funds we generate can be put to a well established charity, like Ringers who give boxing gloves to kangaroos in need or the Static Project who is undergoing experiments at energizing homes through static electricity,” said Ben Neubardt, Director of Public Relations. “It’s really fascinating stuff.”

The silent auction was off to a good start, selling off items from old textbooks and phone chargers that were hanging by a thread to big ticket items, like Hartford Hall itself.

“We don’t actually have the rights to the building, but hey, if President Trump can sign off land that belong to Native Americans and taxpayers we figured we could sell off one building on campus that the students we represent help pay the bills on,” Neubardt said.

The auction never made it to the grand finale however, as the event was actually an attempted coup d’état as the student run government attempted to sell off President Hamza Raja’s position to Vice President Ryan Dwyer. It is no rumor that the senators and other executive members of the SGA have been pulling for a Dwyer run government prior to the fall semester starting.

The coup was foiled as the Vice President forgot about the plot, far too focused on his studies, and the position was nearly sold to a common student.

“Keenan was able to deny the money, being that he is the treasurer,” said Keenan Long, the Treasurer of the SGA.

The student who nearly won the position declined to comment for the newspaper, but was glad that he received a consolation prize of a lifetime supply of high fives from Associate Dean of Student Life, Adam Frank.

“I didn’t authorize this, but whatever makes the students happy I guess,” said Frank.

The event was immediately terminated following the failed coup, raising $21 and a rubber band ball.

“We managed to sell off a pair of sunglasses, a broken fidget spinner, half a turkey sandwich, and the rights to Adam Frank’s facebook profile,” Neubardt reported.

“Okay, I definitely didn’t authorize that,” said Frank who proceeded to attempt to log into his facebook account. According to the SGA Treasurer, the profile was bought and sold for the rubber band ball.

“Sure, we didn’t get to oust Hamza,” said Neubardt, “but there is a kangaroo out there who will have a pair of boxing gloves this holiday season!”

“Keenan really hopes that we can raise more funds for the Kangaroo Fight Club,” said Keenan. “Keenan thinks that the world needs more fighting kangaroos.”

For the SGA President, all of this information comes at a complete shock.

“I honestly always thought that kicking me out of the SGA was a joke,” stated Raja who held a puzzled expression the entire interview. “I don’t get it honestly, but for now they are still stuck with me.” Neubardt, however, has already begun plotting the next operation to eliminate Raja.

“Have you ever seen the movie Home Alone? It’s gonna be like that,” stated Neubardt who went on to explain that the entire plot of the Home Alone series.

Any donations of rubber band balls can be dropped off at the SGA office located in the Student Center. The use of said donations is still unknown at this time.

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