GOP Announces First Annual Hunger Games

by Tom Foolery

The Republican tax reform is well on its way to becoming law and the Trump administration is ready to celebrate Christmas with their wealthy donors.

While many within the Capital are pleased with the progress of the new tax cuts, some in the White House argue it still isn’t enough.

“Listen, we need to cut more things to promote growth in the country,” said the Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan. “Which is why I am pleased announce the first annual Hunger Games, which are open to all Americans.”

“This is going to allow people in this country to really value their struggle, but more importantly, it’s going to make my donors happy, and if they’re happy I’ll get a gold star” stated Ryan as he held up a chore chart which was filled with stickers from all of his donors. “If we pass this one, I’ll get to go baby seal hunting with the Koch brothers.”

The games are set to be played on February 4, in lieu of the Super Bowl, something that President Donald Trump has attacked for the better part of his presidency.

The opportunity to play in the Hunger Games is open to all Americans yet 98 percent of the country is opposed to it. The games will continue with a forced lottery drawn from college students who are behind on their student loans.

“If these kids didn’t want to be potentially mutilated in combat then maybe they should have considered something else for a career choice, like the military or starting up a kangaroo fight club,” said one Republican Congressman.

Starting this year, two tributes from every state university in the country will be forced into a football stadium. Originally the rules written were to hold one male and one female from each state, but Republican lawmakers finally recognized that transgender people exist outside of bathrooms and cut the gender issue out of the equation, deeming equal rights for everyone to die a terrible death.

Like in the film series, only one victor can be crowned at the end of the match, when all other competitors are dead. However, those who are victorious will receive no benefits from winning, only bragging rights.

“Damn, if I could have my student loans cleared away, I would totally consider participating in the games,” said former WCC student Brooke Ashale who transferred to a four year school. Lawmakers argued that the chance to clear debt would flood the market of the games and potentially collapse the system altogether.

Most Democrats oppose the Republican initiative, but haven’t done anything to actually prevent the games from happening. The strategy is to hold their breath until their counterparts agree to stop the cruel act. New York Senator and Minority Leader, Chuck Schumer, was reported to hold his breath for a whole 20 seconds.

“I think our Republican colleagues will start taking us seriously now,” said Schumer as he wiped away some tears from his eyes. “We aren’t going to stop holding our breaths, we will continue to oppose these outrageous attacks by every way we can, so long as it doesn’t interfere with our donors.”

Players in the sports event will be armed with only a dull Ticonderoga pencil as a weapon to defeat other players. No other pencils will be valid because Ticonderoga is sponsoring the event

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