SGA Vice President Leads Campaign Against Silent Menace
Vice President Dwyer chases down the silent but friendly mascot, Chester the Viking. (Photo: Tom Foolery)
Vice President of SGA, Ryan Dwyer has sworn to his constituents that he would bring Chester the Viking to justice on the insidious deed of not talking to people.
“It’s just so weird. I asked him if he knew what the weather was going to be like the other day and he just shrugged his shoulders. I mean who does that?!” asked the agitated VP.
Since his debut, the viking warrior has yet to speak in public. Chester sympathizers argued that it was possible that the loveable ginger was just shy, but Dwyer shot down those claims harder than Chester’s rock hard abs.
“Nope. No way. That dude is at like every event,” said Dwyer. “Also, have you seen his social media accounts? The guy is on twitter, facebook and instagram!”
It’s true, the silent viking is up to date on all the communication apps, and is pretty vocal on them as well. Aside from his mascot duties of supporting WCC’s sport teams, the mascot puts on a fair amount of photos of himself working out.
“Check out how ripped my arms look when I play golf!” reads a comment from Chester in a photo he posted. “The club looks like a toothpick in my hands. Don’t act like you’re not impressed.”
The man talks a big game for his fans over social media platforms, but not in public. WCC students, faculty and administration alike ponder as to why the man won’t say something already.
“He gave me a high five once, well, more like a high four, but you know what I mean,” said Minnie Moocher, a student who only attends events when there is food. “He seems okay to me, aside from not having any pupils, missing a couple of fingers and not talking. Yea, he seems normal I guess.”
School nurse, Janice Gilroy denied our requests to view Chester’s medical records because of patient rights or something like that but she did confirm that the school mascot is in good health.
“He’s as healthy as any mascot could be,” stated Gilroy. “He might obsess over the gym too much, sure, but there are worse things than pumping iron out there, like doing hard core drugs, listening to Taylor Swift or eating too much sugar.”
So if he isn’t shy, and it’s not health related, why in the world won’t Chester talk to anyone?!
When asked why he won’t talk in public, Chester stared off into the distance for what seemed like a half a semester before shrugging.
Wow. So rude.
When asked he cared about WCC students he nodded with a decent amount of enthusiasm. The interview became purely yes or no question based answers from that point, so there really isn’t much to report on other than how awkward silence can be.
It’s not that Chester doesn’t care about WCC, if it’s possible to care too much, this guy is the reigning champ on that, but still, it would be nice to have a conversation with the face of WCC.
“All I’m saying is that maybe there is more to motivation than just walking around, doing fist bumps and wearing a viking helmet,” said Dwyer. “What really gets people going is screaming in their faces and dumping gatorade onto people who we admire. That’s what we do in our government meetings. I prefer the blue gatorade, it doesn’t stain as much.”
Whatever the case is for Chester being eerily quiet, we’ll respect his choice on remaining silent, but it would be nice to hear him ask us how our day is going rather than seeing him post photos of how shredded he is.