WCC to Ban Gateway Drugs: Candy

by Marcus Johnson


WCC readies to outlaw candy. As most students are already aware, WCC is a tobacco free campus. And that was more recently extended to Vaping paraphernalia too.

However in an effort to further suppress the smoking habits of the youth, WCC aims to end oral fixation as a whole. Many experts believe candy is just a gateway oral fixation that will lead directly to drugs.

Westchester Medical Center’s leading ICU front desk receptionist Jerry Atrick believes the study is highlighting the root of America’s opioid problem. “It’s the kids, we gotta get to the kids, all we have to do is break through to the kids,” said an excited Atrick.

Some even believe candy is nothing more than pseudo training wheels for children to get used to the act of consuming drugs. They believe that Pez, Sweeties, Tic Tacs, and ect are all sweet tasting stand ins for pills.

Even local law enforcement officials are backing up the new findings. Chief of Weschester’s County Neighborhood Watch Phil Lonesom, believes the nickname given to certain drugs “candy” is derived directly from the sugar filled treats. “I hear some of the usual hooligans talk about how they’re gonna go buy candy. Are they talking about drugs?” continued the neighborhood watch chief “I don’t know but you don’t either”.

Lonesom claims to see the candy being handed out on the streets all the time.

At certain times it was unclear if he was referring to actual candy or drugs but either way he views both as a detriment to the youth. Lonesom went on to say “All it takes is for one kid to pull out a pack of gum and they all turn into a group of feral beast, it’s only a matter of time before that turns into a pack of crack.”

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