New Camera Makes Non-Minority Students Feel Like Criminals

by Tom Foolery


The Viking News crew looks dazed and hostile in their IDs, should be handled with caution. (Photo: Marcus Johnson)

The camera in the Student Pass and ID Office is on loan from the White Plains Police Department. The contribution was made over the course of the summer and will remain in WCC’s possession until an amateur portrait artist is found to work full time at the security desk.

“I’m going to miss that camera,” said officer Jose Cuervo. “That camera took the best mugshots.”

Indeed, the identification card photos truly bring out the worst qualities in each person, capturing the inner essence of the serial killer, drug addict or drug killer in us all.

“I actually feel validated to show this ID the next time I pick up pot from my dealer,” stated WCC student Mary Jane. “It really brought out the existential dread I feel when I’m not high!”

Not everyone is as thrilled with the appearance of the card that they have to carry with them. These ID’s can sometimes be the bane of students college careers.

“I’ve thrown away three IDs so far in hopes of getting that perfect shot, but every time I have my photo taken I still end up looking like an extra on The Walking Dead!” said a very distraught Michael Moore, a student who prides himself on his vanity.

“It’s embarrassing to have to show these cards to anyone! The security guards, the nice ladies in the library or the cool kids in the cafeteria. I feel so disgusted when I have to pull it out for anyone,” Moore said, clutching to his varsity football jacket for emotional support.

Even those who work on campus can’t seem to catch a break with the sinister mechanics of the camera, staff members insisting on placing stickers or other images over their faces.

“I can’t do my job without this card, so my solution was to place a photo of my cat over my face,” said Lucy Loo who works in Administration. “His name is Mister Muffin, and it doesn’t really look that different from my real photo.”

It’s a one in a million shot that a person actually likes their photo, or at the very least doesn’t gag at the sight of the exaggerated bags underneath their eyes, or the awkward smile that lies somewhere in between thinking about puppies and achieving the goal of slaying your enemies with Excalibur.

When presenting her ID, a Student Involvement Club Organization Coordinator nodded her head, once confronted with the news that the camera was once voted best mug shot device in the Tri-State region.

“Now that you mention it, I do look like I just committed grand larceny here,” stated Diaz, impressed with her now unlocked potential.

The effects of a bad photo on an ID is no laughing matter, it can have permanent damage to one’s psyche.

“Our studies have shown that the people who suffer from terrible photo IDs become depressed, and antisocial,” confirms Dr. Nikon Canon, an expert in field of self image association. “Sometimes, in the most extreme cases, victims will over compensate the terrible photo will excessive selfie syndrome, which can be fatal.”

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