Admin, Faculty Sign Contract Not to Talk About Contracts

School administrators and faculty members yesterday signed a new faculty union contract that will hold off all contract talks for another six years.

The contract follows a previously rejected resolution that negotiators spurned because it had “too many big words on it,” according to school officials.

“It was clear neither side was ready to talk,” said college President Dr. Belinda Miles. “This new contract ensures that we have plenty of mental preparation time for everyone to maybe discuss at some point some potential action possibly in the future.”

The contract states that for six years neither WCC faculty nor administrators can utter any word, phrase, or sentence regarding faculty contracts. Embedded in document, too, are strict repercussions for violators, including fines equal to or greater than the offender’s current or previous student loan debt and disqualification from health benefits.

“We’re used to taking it up the rear like this,” said FT member and English professor Samuel Franklin. “So the stipulations of the contract seemed pretty normal to us—better than usual, in fact.”

Faculty members were satisfied to have at least the appearance of progress, about which Franklin doesn’t at all feel delusionally optimistic, saying, “it’s a step in a direction, and that’s got to count for something, right?”

Negotiations had become tense when a pair of dissenting adjuncts jumped the table and tried to steal the contract. County police apprehended them and relegated punishment to the school, who incarcerated the professors in Hartford Hall’s tenure track dungeon, where behavioral correction professionals drained their desire for career advancement.

“I admire and applaud them for their passion,” said FT president Mel Bienenfeld of the dissenters. “But these things can’t be handled through force. It takes patience, sacrifice, and a high, high tolerance for injustice.”

School officials downplayed the incident, calling it an opportunity for “professional development.”

Most were satisfied with the deal, but some administrators were critical, claiming the school gave in too much.

“Six year? Just six?” said Interim VP of Faculty Outreach Chuck Bradston. “I was a business professor and I know a bad deal when I see one. I’d have pushed for at least a decade. It’s crucial that we put this off to focus on more important matters.”

Bradston proffered that a school doesn’t get by on the strength, satisfaction, and merits of its faculty, but by its appearance, graduation rate, and endowments.

Students responded with confusion and a general feeling of apathy.

“What?” said sophomore Sammy Poplopis. “Why would I care about that? I’m out of here in another semester. I honestly don’t even know the names of my current professors. They grade like crap anyway, so, you know what, good for the school.”

Bienenfeld remains hopeful, however, that this non-action will someday bring out the administration’s more diplomatic side.

“It’ll be worth it. All the waiting. They promised that we’ll talk eventually, and I know they’ll keep to their word,” Bienenfeld said. “If staying silent will help us say something, then the school can keep us quiet all it wants.”

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